I stopped off at the store to buy newspapers on the way home. While I was there, I saw the guy who is always super nice to me and tries to sign or at least play charades to talk to me. He doesn't seem to realize I can hear him at all, even though I have told him a couple times that I can. Anyway, he told me I "look phenomenal tonight". He was very sincere about it too.

Why do I have such a hard time believing people who pay me compliments? Am I ever going to recover from all of this mess that has happened over the last 4 years? Going deaf and suffering this facial weakness should be becoming the norm by now, shouldn't it? I’ve lived with various levels of disabilities almost all of my life. Why have I been so fixated and self-conscious about it lately? I have thought often about slipping the guy my phone number, but I have built up such walls against rejection at this point that I have no idea how to pull them down. It is not even this man in particular. It’s the whole idea of putting myself out there like that. At all. I’m afraid I’m dooming myself to living life alone because I can’t seem to break free of this fear. I sometimes wonder if I’m even capable of the traditional romantic relationship these days, but I do miss the romance. I miss having a man around. I miss being touched by another human being. I mean that in the most basic, simple terms possible, not just in a romantic sense. Sometimes I just need to draw on the energy of another human by simply laying my head on a strong shoulder. How long has it been since I’ve been able to do that? I can’t even remember.

While I am able to recognize the fallacy in my way of thinking, or rather, this emotional response, I am so, so, so acutely aware of time slipping by. I need to find a way out of this and not let it go on any longer. I need to really start living my life again. But, how do I make it happen? When I happen upon a person who inspires an attraction, either platonic or romantic, how do I deal with the rejection that I’m sure will happen part of the time? And even more scary than that… what the hell do I do if I’m accepted?